Deep down in me there is a fear of squandering away free time that is hard earned by my husband, and not being a proper mum. There is also confusion as to how I should structure my life as it has been so baby-centric in the past year. What am I to do with the free time? How much free time should I be entitled to? I can only imagine the magnitude of empty nest syndrome experienced by parents once their children have become adults. I feel displaced and disoriented even now.
Now I realise I have based my value on my son, and on my family. I have prided myself on how much work I do for our baby, how much time I have spent tidying our flat, and how much paid work I have done. Whilst they are not wrong and are definitely my responsibilities, they do not define who I am. They are as meaningful as they reflect where God wants me to be and how He wants to bless me and others in His ways.
One of the dangers of parenting lies in the way we take for granted that we should be providing and taking care of our family, and with that always implied a certain sense of routine. When the routine becomes shanken it is revealed whether we have been using the occasions to draw close to God.
I think that the only way to guarantee a gainful, meaningful way to use time will be to pray lots, pray first, pray honest, then just get going. The temptation is to overthink, overplan, and then sit there and be overwhelmed by one's thoughts.
Taking the time to quiet down and write, I am thanking God for this precious moment of reflection, and grateful for the love and support of my wonderful husband who is still at work now. Love fills my heart as I send prayerful, loving hug vibes to my dearest one.